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Psyche
& Spirit
- Vol. 14, No. 5
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Dear Clergy and Church Professionals:
Welcome to our online publication for church professionals. Our goal is to
bring you brief articles and information that can help with self-care, stress
and the psychological aspects of ministry. Psyche & Spirit is written and
published by Arden Mahlberg, PhD, a provider of clergy support services in
Madison, Wisconsin.
To change your email address for this publication, please use the “Update
Profile/Email Address” link at the bottom of this email. Colleagues can
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www.psycheandspirit.com.
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In this issue:
1.
Speculation & False Images
2.
The Measure of the Person
3. “Quotagious”
Thoughts . . .
4.
Ambiguity Tolerance
5.
Your Drinking
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1.
Speculation & False Images
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When people do horrible things that seem
completely out of character, we become confused. “I guess I didn’t know him as
well as I thought I did.” It is disconcerting when what we do know about
someone does not allow us to predict that they would do such a horrible thing.
Despite repeated experiences, it is hard to
hold on to the realization that knowledge of a person’s public behavior does not
tell us enough about their private, secret behavior, the thoughts and urges they
engage in when alone. When we do learn of the destructive behavior, the mind
quickly tries to fill in the gaps of our knowledge. We search for “answers”
from others. What did they know about the person? What do they think? Since
the human mind hates not knowing, it wants to engage in speculation in order to
complete the picture.
For Christians, this raises a moral issue. We
don’t just let the mind run the show. We are commanded to not create false
images of God or of our fellow human beings. We are commanded to not pass along
to others things we do not know to be true. Why? Because it harms our
relationship with the person both internally and externally, if only to a subtle
degree. Keeping relationships strong in the Body of Christ is necessary for the
effectiveness of that Body. Once again, the faithful life includes the
willingness and the ability to hold the tension of not knowing without trying to
relieve it. It is only in not knowing that we can preserve the integrity of the
other.
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2.
The Measure of the Person
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People who are in emergency situations and
respond heroically often suffer later from others defining them as heroes. No,
they insist, they are just ordinary people who did what needed to be done in an
extraordinary situation. When people change how they see them and continue to
honor them as heroes, it can actually be very disturbing to the person. They
feel they are no longer in control of their identity. They don’t feel capable
of or interested in living up to the role of hero. If we listen to such people,
we realize that people are not validly defined by the best thing they have ever
done. Yes, the best thing someone has done does tell us something about the
person, but not nearly as much as what they usually do and the way they usually
behave.
Likewise, are people defined by the worst thing
they have ever done? Certainly whatever we do reflects something about us, but
not necessarily our core being – the real self vs the peripheral self (aka
“false self”).
Increasingly, when someone comes to me
distressed by what they have done, and they want to find out what it is about
them that accounts for this behavior, I ask that we begin by looking at what it
is about human beings in general, about how we are constructed as human beings
living in society and living in the collective psyche, that results in our being
at risk of violating our core values under certain circumstances. Good people
do bad things. How does that happen? And how do we deal with that shared
vulnerability responsibly? How can Christian community help us more effectively
with that?
When harmful decisions are debriefed, a common
feature is the individual’s admission that they knew what they were doing was
not right and was risky, but that somehow they believed they, of all people,
could get away with it. This fallacy of exceptionalism is also not unique to
the individual. By addressing what is universal first, we can then more easily
find the particulars of the individual’s own vulnerability.
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3. “Quotagious”
Thoughts . . .
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“Knowledge tends to breed conceit, but love
builds.”
-from The Cloud of Unknowing
“The essence of trauma is the abrupt
disintegration of one’s inner world.”
-Ronnie Janoff-Bulman
“The thing to do at the beginning of a journey
is to take a step.”
-John Tarrant
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4.
Ambiguity Tolerance
=======================
In response to a disturbing event, we know that
the emotional and spiritual aftermath can be all over the place, from minimizing
and denial to horror, anger, betrayal, blame and sadness. In this complex and
fluid psychological situation, people’s reactions to perceived differences with
others will often reflect their tolerance with ambiguity.
A person with a low tolerance for ambiguity
will be disturbed when those around them are not at the same phase of processing
they are in. They will seek allies to reinforce them and solidify and amplify
their position. They will feel compelled to judge others who are having a
different reaction or will wish to avoid them. Some people in these
circumstances will outright tell others what they need to do and feel in a
moralizing kind of way. Because the adjustment process to hurt and loss
contains seemingly inconsistent elements, like empathy with a perpetrator and
anger toward that person, they may also judge themselves for feeling responses
they believe are wrong.
In contrast, a person with a high tolerance for
ambiguity will be more able to tolerate a wide variety of responses as well as
intensity of reactions, both in themselves and in others.
So how do we improve our tolerance for
ambiguity? In my experience, one way is to spend some time alone speaking
conflicting points of view out loud, repeatedly with a significant pause in
between to let the mind and heart react to what it has just heard. State each
position at least five times, with a significant pause in between to notice your
internal reaction. The speaking and listening, along with the pause, allows
more parts of us to get involved. Generally, over time, the value of each
position or reaction becomes more apparent along with their limitations. Thus
it is experienced that a whole response requires many components, like outrage
as well as compassion.
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5.
Your Drinking
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On average, how many days per week do you have
some alcohol? On an average occasion, how many normal sized drinks do you
have? If you are an average sized female, when was the last time you had three
or more? How frequently do you do that? For an average sized male, do the same
with four or more drinks.
What percentage of the time designated to relax
do you do so with alcohol? What percentage of the time designated to have fun
do you do so with alcohol? What percentage of the time that you get together
with friends does it include alcohol? Are there things that for you just seem to
go better with some alcohol?
If your drinking isn’t “a problem,” would you
be willing to consider drinking significantly less for any reason? What kind of
reason would that need to be? If not, why does drinking seem so important to
you? Many people without a diagnosable alcohol problem can benefit from
reducing their drinking.
The purpose of these questions is simple to
prompt your awareness, not to diagnose. If it raises any concerns, consider
taking positive steps that match the severity of the problem. If you notice
that it raises defensiveness or rationalization, take note of that. If in doubt
about the appropriate step, please speak to a health care professional.
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