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Psyche
& Spirit
- Vol. 7, No. 15
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In this issue:
1.
Secret Lives
2.
Pastor of the Year
3. "Quotagious"
Thoughts . . .
4.
Personhood vs. Selfishness
5. Sabbath
Joy
================
1.
Secret Lives
================
Since our last issue, there have been
more revelations of public figures with unhealthy secret lives. And there has
been more theorizing about why and how this happens. People in all walks of
life can develop unhealthy secret lives that, if known, would threaten to damage
them and others. Sneaking alcohol, use of drugs, gambling, sexual practices,
embezzlement. There is a long list of activities that people in all walks
of life engage in but must keep secret to protect their relationships, careers
and reputations.
My counseling with people over the years has
suggested to me that, while everyone is tempted to create secret lives, the more
people lose privacy, the more public the person's life becomes, the stronger the
urge can grow to develop a secret life. It can feel like a counterbalance to
the loss of privacy one must endure for their professional success. The secret
life can be a kind of protest against the loss of privacy.
But our main interest at P&S is the wellness of
our readers, not understanding the behavior of others. And so we invite you to
examine your own life for secret parts and secret activities. In Life
Together, Dietrich Bonhoeffer reminds us that sin thrives in an environment
of secrecy. "Sin wants to remain unknown. It shuns the light. In the darkness
of the unexpressed it poisons the whole being of a person." As Luther said,
"Sin does not like to die." Secrecy allows sin to promote and protect itself
over the person's better judgment, and even leads one to believe that they will
somehow get away with the destructive behavior. While it can seem like the
secrecy is protecting us, it is actually protecting the sin. Recognize that in
the secrecy lies the risk of loss of perspective, the danger of self-delusion.
We simply cannot trust our own judgment on such matters.
Some people play little games of letting on
part of the activity to someone to gain tacit approval. But the real solution
is to tell someone the whole truth of what you are doing, and have it be someone
who is willing to tell you things you don't want to hear. We must be reminded
that there is no shame in our brokenness, and that breaking secrecy often brings
a sense of liberation and relief. Confide in an objective listener. Reveal
even the secret activities that you once did but have since stopped, since we
must have a sound plan for preventing relapse, not just wishful thinking. It is
amazing how often I hear people say that they will never do the offending
behavior again because the circumstances that led to it will not reoccur. That
simply isn't good enough. It puts control outside the person. We must somehow
address the inner vulnerability, and as Bonhoeffer reminds us, it takes
community with others to do so, not just our private relationship with God. So
please, consult with someone if you now have or in the past have had a secret
life that could damage your life and your ministry. (AM)
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2.
Pastor of the Year
======================
I hear that there is an adjudicatory that gives
a "Pastor of the Year" award. I imagine this is an honor many pastors would
love to have. Last year, the family of the recipient was interviewed along with
the pastor. His congregation had grown; giving was up; the programs were active
and vibrant. The family decided to be honest with the interviewers. His wife
said, "I don't believe in divorce, nor do I believe in murder. But, truthfully,
I would be better off if he were dead." The pastor's son said, "I really don't
have much to say about my dad. I rarely see him."
As Thomas Merton told a meeting of civil rights
leaders and antiwar leaders in the 60's, unbridled activism does violence to us
and those we work with. Various things can lead to overdoing in the name of
doing good. We can see the same tragedies among "Volunteer of the Year"
winners as Pastor of the Year. Sometimes it is avoidance of going home that
leads to "over serving." The least we can do is stop rewarding people for doing
too much. Perhaps instead, organizations of the church should keep track of who
they would give such awards to, in both paid and unpaid positions, but
quietly give them a Biblically-based sabbatical instead, so they can regain
their bearings. Who would you nominate? Is there a way you can help? (AM)
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3. "Quotagious"
Thoughts . . .
===============================
"Jesus does not
demand great actions from us but simply surrender and gratitude."
-St. Therese of Lisieux
"A good
conversation is like a jam session in jazz, where one starts with conventional
elements and then introduces spontaneous variations that create an exciting new
composition."
-Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
"You
don't redeem that which you don't love."
-Larry Rasmussen
==============================
4. Personhood
vs. Selfishness
==============================
I have had countless conversations in therapy
addressing the difference between having a self and being selfish. Many people
do not know how to distinguish these and feel that any time they have a need or
want, that is being selfish. Sometimes expectations to serve others in Christian
life can then be layered on top of this shaky foundation, reinforcing the need
to put others' needs first at all costs. While at times this is absolutely the
right thing to do, at others this is neither a healthy choice for the helper nor
for the recipient. At its most misguided, it can lead to unhealthy dependence or
being over-extended and burned-out on the respective sides of the "helping
relationship."
Thomas Hart reminds us his book Coming Down
the Mountain that Jesus had a very strong sense of self. Until we can answer
the following four questions in most situations in our lives, we have not
developed our personhood: What do I think? What do I feel? What do I want?
What do I need? Grounded in our relationship with God, we can co-create our
sense of self in order to be the person it is within us to be. Jesus expressed
very clearly what he thought, felt, needed, and wanted. He let go of whether
others approved or disapproved. By becoming used to answering these questions,
we build a strong sense of self from which we can respond to the more important
teaching: to seek to become more loving in how we live. We cannot truly answer
the question of what action is more loving, unless we can first answer the
questions of personhood. (MW)
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5.
Sabbath Joy
==============
An important characteristic of Sabbath is
freedom. It is free time. The commandment only tells us what not to do
(don’t work) while not telling us what to do except that it is
time for the Lord and to keep it holy. That leaves a lot of options. When
facing free time from what usually preoccupies us, we can wonder what to do with
it.
Erik Liddell, the Olympic athlete featured in
Chariots of Fire, expressed that God made him fast, "and when I run, I feel His
pleasure." We all have talents and abilities that do not get used in our work
and areas of responsibility. Sabbath is the time to let them out in ways that
gives God pleasure. But in our busy lives, we can easily lose site of them. So
try jogging some things lose by completing these sentences in as many ways as
comes to mind. Play with it.
I feel God’s pleasure when I
_______________________.
I feel God’s presence when I
_______________________.
I feel I am expressing my true self when I
________________.
I feel at peace when I
____________________________.
I feel a lot of joy when I
__________________________________.
I lose track of time when I
____________________________.
Besides my work and other responsibilities, I
feel called to __________________.
It would give me great pleasure to
__________________________.
Some things that can get in the way of
awareness of these parts of ourselves that long for expression are stress and
depression. While there may be new things wanting to emerge, there may also be
old passions that have been pushed aside. In my case, writing, inventing and
making music are passions that got squelched and have re-emerged as I have
become more faithful to Sabbath. Others have told me about sewing, weaving,
woodworking, or other creative endeavors that engage them in ways that feel
holy. Some feel called to ways of service that they otherwise don’t have time
or energy for. When we take the time to focus on the question, we can discover
interests, passions and callings that would like expression during our periods
of Sabbath. (AM)
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