self-care for
clergy & the psychological aspects of ministry
brief articles for busy clergy
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Dear Clergy and Church
Professionals:
Welcome to our online publication for church professionals. Our goal is to bring you brief articles and information that can help with self-care, stress, and the psychological aspects of ministry.
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In this issue:
1. The Culture of Perpetual Dissatisfaction
2. Fresh Eyes
3. "Quotagious" Thoughts . . .
4. Financial Discussions
5.
Eager, Not Anxious
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1. The Culture of Perpetual Dissatisfaction
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In many areas of the marketplace we see
messages and, indeed, enormous marketing budgets, aimed at creating a sense of
perpetual dissatisfaction. In the fashion industry, styles that emphasize a
changing body ideal are released each season. The ideal body image is not
dictated by anything to do with health and fitness but rather by an
ever-changing aesthetic no matter how unhealthy the "ideal" is in reality. In
the beauty industry, part of the strategy behind naming the colors of cosmetics
is that it creates a desire to be constantly re-making oneself. Even for young
adults closest to the prevailing beauty ideal, fear is generated about losing
this coveted state, prompting the sale of anti-aging products and a fear-driven
pursuit of fitness.
The campaign of perpetual dissatisfaction is now aimed at men as well as women. We are seeing increasing incidents of eating disorders and compulsive exercise among men when this used to be the almost exclusive domain of women. If consumers were simply to attain, once and for all, a certain body type, look, or style, this would prove disastrous for corporations. Thus, the tremendous pressure to be perpetually dissatisfied becomes necessary for ongoing sales. As a cosmetics advertiser said, "what we make is science in a lab, but what we sell is hope."
What does it mean to be selling hope? What are the antidotes to these messages? First, it helps simply to recognize the goal of these forces at work and to be conscious of their inevitable impact on everyone in our culture. Beyond that, it helps to maintain a personal goal of living from the inside out. This means taking some quiet time to listen to the dissatisfaction and what may be underneath it. Notice first at the level of body sensation. When you notice these sensations, is your chest tight, your body restless? What can you learn from these sensations? Then, identify emotions. Does it feel most like sadness, anger, fear? Does it feel connected to loneliness, emptiness, does it have a driven quality? After spending some time with this, ask yourself if there is a deeper and more meaningful yearning to become aware of. So often, there is something important and real that goes unnoticed. Unfortunately, the energy of it can simply be channeled into the easy funnel of consumerism. After all, this yearning, which may well be a guidepost on the spiritual journey, is constantly being mislabeled and misdirected in the culture of dissatisfaction. An easy "solution" is offered up in the form of goods of any sort.
Never before have Americans carried so much unsecured debt to fund lifestyles that are not commensurate with income. What is the deeper yearning? What is the deeper satisfaction? We, now more than ever, need help navigating and understanding this pressure to be dissatisfied so we can clear away the noise of advertising long enough to listen for what we are truly seeking. And we need to give each other permission to be seeking. Not finding, not answering, not filling up. Just seeking. And to whisper in each other’s ears when we most need reminding, that God is ever-faithful in seeking us. And that is cause for true hope along the journey (MW).
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2. Fresh Eyes
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Those who have eyes, let them see. Those who have ears, let them hear. One key aspect of Sabbath is fasting from the influence of the dominant culture. It is good for our self-care, and it enhances our ability to work for the Kingdom.
Recall times that you have gotten away from your usual culture for a period of time, such as in foreign travel, to a place that is very different from our values and practices. Or perhaps on a wilderness camping trip, with no TV or newspapers, no email or cell phones. And when you return, you see things with fresh eyes and question things in new ways. We may find that our lives are unconsciously shaped by values we don’t really believe in when we stop to reflect about it. Do we really need such large houses? Bigger TV's? Do we really need the latest style of cell phone? Why are we living such frantic lives, as if these things really matter when, when we step away, we know they are of no ultimate consequence?
When we return from getting away, we recognize
how easily we fall under the spell of the dominant culture, whose influence is
so subtle and pervasive that we don’t even notice it. Nationalism shapes our
perception of ourselves and other peoples. We make collective self-interest a
moral guidepost. Materialism and power values shape our dreams and decisions.
We believe that successful leadership in the boardroom will make good leadership
on the church council, when the values and worldview are entirely different. We
realize we are living lives with values that promote larger footprints, greater
consumption of natural resources. We want more for less. We may even fall into
hoping for our children that they will be successful in the terms of the
dominant society, that they will be rise to the top of social organizations, be
wealthy, respected, secure and happy, which means, of course, that they would
live lives of service to the dominant values. Living lives of service to God
may not have much earthly reward.
Losing control of our lives and living contrary
to our genuine core values is harmful to us and to those we influence. So how
do we become more conscious and intentional? How do we step away from the
influence of the dominant culture to reconnect with the frighteningly radical
values of the Kingdom as Jesus teaches it? A weekly fast from the dominant
culture is one important way. No TV, no newspapers, movies or shopping. We
don’t discuss politics or business. The point here is not legalism; it is our
wellbeing and our capacity to work for the Kingdom. So where do we turn our
attention instead? The Holy Spirit will surely influence that. It will prompt
us to turn to the things we loose sight of when submerged in our usual endeavors
- to God, nature, people, and creativity. And hopefully, with God's help, at
the end of that Sabbath time, we see ourselves, each other, and our work with
fresh eyes and fresh purpose. (AM)
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3. "Quotagious" Thoughts . . .
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"The artist's power should be spiritual. But
the power of the majority is material. When these worlds meet occasionally, it
is pure coincidence."
-Paul Klee
"Admiring the truth, instead of
following it, is just as dubious a fire as the fire of erotic love, which at the
turn of the hand can be changed into exactly the opposite, to hate, jealousy,
and revenge."
-Soren Kierkegaard
"Why do we get all these feelings,
dreams and hopes if we don’t ever use them?"
-Shirley Valentine
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4. Financial Discussions
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Money talks. But many of us don't like talking about money – in our congregations or in our personal lives. Talking about it risks raising anxiety levels and shame. Joint or group decision-making conversations risk loss of control over one’s use of money. And so, the conversations can easily be avoided.
Money means different things to different people. If it means security, a person wants to be frugal and save, which can be frustrating for others. If money means freedom, or reward, then people want to spend, and live as materially well as possible. Whatever one's relationship to money, it is good to inquire of ourselves and others how that relationship developed and work to gain more flexibility. Question assumptions and the conclusions drawn from experience. Question ourselves and gently question each other. It is good to be challenged, and it is good to be accountable. If accountability evokes resentment, it needs to be looked at.
In communicating about money, as in anything, it is important to state both what and why: what are my thoughts or feelings, and why are they what they are – not just objectively, but subjectively. Otherwise we are left with no insight, no way to change, only a power struggle where there are differences. It is also extremely helpful in these discussions to force ourselves to distinguish between our personal desires and feelings and our honest assessment of what is best for the wellbeing of the unit in question, be it the church, the marriage or personal finances. Ultimately, we find ways to face financial issues and talk about them by simply doing so. I recommend that couples have a standing business meeting once a month to review the situation and make financial decisions. Where there is avoidance, face it and find out what it is about. In church governance, don't just take the financial report, have each council member express their thoughts and feelings so there is rapport with the subject when difficult decisions need to be made. (AM)
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5. Eager, Not Anxious
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People often say "anxious" when they mean "eager." "I'm anxious for school to start." But if you ask, "do you mean anxious or do you mean eager?" the answer is often "eager." "I'm eager for school to start." What difference does it make?
Those who are prone toward anxiety and panic have been found in experiments to misinterpret physiological arousal as being anxiety when it is not. But thinking of it as anxiety actually helps create an anxious response. Panic attacks can be created this way. One such physiological response is excitement - excited anticipation. It can be enjoyed and heighten the experience when not turned into anxiety. So it is worthwhile to have more words for such aroused states. "Anxious" shapes anticipation negatively, while "eager" shapes it positively. (AM)
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Psyche & Spirit is written and published by Arden Mahlberg, PhD (AM) and Meredith T Whelan, LCSW (MW). Please help us shape this newsletter to best meet your needs and interests. Email ideas and reactions to: admin@PsycheAndSpirit.com.
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